Rental Review: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

By Ryn Gargulinski
This movie has the word “peaks” in the title because it reached new heights. New heights of boredom, stupidity, incomprehensibility and just plain annoyance.

The midget in the room where everyone spoke like they were under water didn’t help. Unfortunately, he was the highlight of the flick.

In addition to being hard to follow, it was undesirable to follow these stiff, clichéd characters through some murder mystery that nobody cared about.

There is no resolution because there is no plot to have a resolution for.

Have a nice day.
Don’t watch this thing.

Highlight: The midget in the room where everyone spoke like they were under water.
Lowlight: Everything else.
Rating: NEGATIVE 600 million, or the altitude of the valley in which this flop peaks.

This movie was recommended by a woman at the dog park whose dog Hank likes to hump every other dog.

Rental Review: Feast

By Ryn Gargulinski
Feast definitely takes the cake as the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen. With the promise of watching barflies band together and save their lives against horrific monsters, we are offered instead boring infighting, a lazy plot, or lack thereof, and a guy who gets monster puked so maggots grow in his eye socket.
Even the monsters are stupid. And we are forced to watch them copulate.

Highlight: Absolutely nothing.
Lowlight: That I didn’t shut it off once the monsters started eating people.
Rating (1-10): NEGATIVE 1,000,000