Rental Review: Blue Velvet

By Ryn Gargulinski
This film is shackled with a misnomer. Rather than Blue Velvet, it should be entitled Roy G Biv Velvet Roy G Biv Velvet because it’s long and boring enough to go through the full color spectrum at least twice.

While the flick kicks off with an intrigue and promise, complete with a man falling over in an apparent stroke, a close up of beetle bugs and the discovery of a severed ear, things go downhill from there.

While we yawn through the incredibly slow-paced film and wonder what the stroke guy had to do with anything, we are also subjected to an annoying woman with an equally annoying accent who is usually naked, a guy whose face looks like it’s made out of pushed-in cardboard and a plot we really don’t care about because it seems to go nowhere.

We are also left with a drove of unanswered questions, like where is that annoying lady's annoying accent from, where does the stroke man fit into all of this and why are all these women waiting on a guy with a cardboard face?

Highlight: The one gruesome scene in which a dead man is left standing.
Lowlight: The rest.
Rating (1-10): Negative 5,432, or the number of yawns it takes to get through the movie.

This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.

Rental Review: You, Me and Everyone We Know

By Ryn Gargulinski
With an intriguing title, quirky plotline and a bunch of awards from independent film fests boasted on its box, one would think this flick would be a heck of a lot of fun.

Think again.

Despite the promise of a handful of disjointed lives rising together, they all end up falling flat.

Each character has so much humorous potential – a flaky artist type stuck in a 1980s wardrobe, a single dad who lights his hand aflame for attention and a kid who collects blenders for her hope chest.

But they never really develop – or even say much – that make you laugh. Instead of funny, they all turn downright creepy.

More creepiness comes in the form of scatological fixations that seem like they could be put forth by a 6 year old. (Maybe because they are but forth by a 6 year old.)

Highlight: The burning hand scene.
Lowlight: The unanswered questions, like why did I rent this? Or where does the main character get all those horrific 1980s clothes?
Rating (1-10) -7