By Ryn Gargulinski
For such a great premise – a father taking revenge on a drunk driver who killed his 7-year-old daughter – this was such a boring film. For some reason, perhaps my fatigue, hope it would improve or aversion to getting up and switching DVDs, I ended up watching the whole thing. I am sorry.
In addition to the slow plod of a go-nowhere plot, the characters are not likable in the least. We have the ex-husband drunken father jeweler who has a bad dream way late in the move that explains the nonsensical title of the film, the ex-wife mother who would be OK but only shows up in a couple of scenes and the awful, whiny, cry-baby, guilt-ridden bad boy drunk driver who is no longer drunk but cannot live a normal life under the mountain of guilt he presses upon his scarred forehead.
Have any of these people heard of counseling?
Highlight: When the movie ends, but not the last whiny, cry-baby, guilt-ridden scene.
Lowlight: The constant strip tease scenes that have nothing to do with the story but boost the rating to an R and probably worked for sales to say “strip tease scenes included.”
Rating (1-10): NEGATIVE 80, equal to the inverse proof of most vodkas.
This movie was recommended by Xavier.
Showing posts with label boring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boring. Show all posts
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Rental Review: Blue Velvet
By Ryn Gargulinski
This film is shackled with a misnomer. Rather than Blue Velvet, it should be entitled Roy G Biv Velvet Roy G Biv Velvet because it’s long and boring enough to go through the full color spectrum at least twice.
While the flick kicks off with an intrigue and promise, complete with a man falling over in an apparent stroke, a close up of beetle bugs and the discovery of a severed ear, things go downhill from there.
While we yawn through the incredibly slow-paced film and wonder what the stroke guy had to do with anything, we are also subjected to an annoying woman with an equally annoying accent who is usually naked, a guy whose face looks like it’s made out of pushed-in cardboard and a plot we really don’t care about because it seems to go nowhere.
We are also left with a drove of unanswered questions, like where is that annoying lady's annoying accent from, where does the stroke man fit into all of this and why are all these women waiting on a guy with a cardboard face?
Highlight: The one gruesome scene in which a dead man is left standing.
Lowlight: The rest.
Rating (1-10): Negative 5,432, or the number of yawns it takes to get through the movie.
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
This film is shackled with a misnomer. Rather than Blue Velvet, it should be entitled Roy G Biv Velvet Roy G Biv Velvet because it’s long and boring enough to go through the full color spectrum at least twice.
While the flick kicks off with an intrigue and promise, complete with a man falling over in an apparent stroke, a close up of beetle bugs and the discovery of a severed ear, things go downhill from there.
While we yawn through the incredibly slow-paced film and wonder what the stroke guy had to do with anything, we are also subjected to an annoying woman with an equally annoying accent who is usually naked, a guy whose face looks like it’s made out of pushed-in cardboard and a plot we really don’t care about because it seems to go nowhere.
We are also left with a drove of unanswered questions, like where is that annoying lady's annoying accent from, where does the stroke man fit into all of this and why are all these women waiting on a guy with a cardboard face?
Highlight: The one gruesome scene in which a dead man is left standing.
Lowlight: The rest.
Rating (1-10): Negative 5,432, or the number of yawns it takes to get through the movie.
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Rental Review: Monster’s Ball
By Ryn Gargulinski
While my mentor English professor once said a story can’t go wrong if you start with a dead body, this one did. Actually, we had three dead bodies going on - a death row electrocution, a suicide and a bloody boy hit by a car. And the movie still sucked.
The plot had so much promise, a corrections officer falling in love with the wife an executed criminal, an unloved son who makes his own fate, a much loved son who finds solace in candybars. Even the title is cool.
The description on the DVD box also screamed things about Academy Award winners! and even that dead guy who used to review movies gave it two thumbs up. Alas, it was still so slow and agonizing to watch, like a botched execution perhaps, in which you just wish for the end yet are made to linger.
Highlight: When one of the officers puked when they were walking the convict to the death chamber.
Lowlight:The false hope the flick would get better as it slogged along.
Rating (1-10): NEGATIVE 5,678,941
While my mentor English professor once said a story can’t go wrong if you start with a dead body, this one did. Actually, we had three dead bodies going on - a death row electrocution, a suicide and a bloody boy hit by a car. And the movie still sucked.
The plot had so much promise, a corrections officer falling in love with the wife an executed criminal, an unloved son who makes his own fate, a much loved son who finds solace in candybars. Even the title is cool.
The description on the DVD box also screamed things about Academy Award winners! and even that dead guy who used to review movies gave it two thumbs up. Alas, it was still so slow and agonizing to watch, like a botched execution perhaps, in which you just wish for the end yet are made to linger.
Highlight: When one of the officers puked when they were walking the convict to the death chamber.
Lowlight:The false hope the flick would get better as it slogged along.
Rating (1-10): NEGATIVE 5,678,941
Monday, February 12, 2007
Rental Review: March of the Penguins
By Ryn Gargulinski
The only march you hope for during this one is those penguins to march off the screen so you can stop watching this incredibly boring documentary.
Highlight: Being able to return the DVD for a free rental.
Lowlight: All the hype about this flick, as if you’re missing the time of your life if you’ve not seen penguins sit around and try not to die.
Rating (1-10): -43
The only march you hope for during this one is those penguins to march off the screen so you can stop watching this incredibly boring documentary.
Highlight: Being able to return the DVD for a free rental.
Lowlight: All the hype about this flick, as if you’re missing the time of your life if you’ve not seen penguins sit around and try not to die.
Rating (1-10): -43
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