Friday, May 25, 2007
Rental Review: Vanilla Sky
By Ryn Gargulinski
An awesome flick, even despite the fact it stars Tom Cruise who now got fat and reminds me of a teddy bear left in a dumpster.
A dumpster, in fact, is exactly where this young, freewheeling, rich executive daddy’s boy ends up after a tragic turn of events that ruins his life forever. Maybe.
The film starts at the end, with daddy’s boy wearing a mask in a high security prison being interviewed by a shrink and works backwards from there.
Of course, we are dying to know what’s going on.
Not to ruin it, I’ll just say what’s going on is a nightmare world full of drinking, reckless driving, suicide, murder, lost love, cracked friendships, psychosis and twists and turns that leave you exhausted yet enthralled.
Highlight: The psychosis.
Lowlight: The cheesy title which references what daddy’s boy says about a Monet painting or the phenomenal ability for the two main characters to be able to draw like seasoned artists. Their artistic ability is not believable in the least.
Rating (1-10): 623
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
An awesome flick, even despite the fact it stars Tom Cruise who now got fat and reminds me of a teddy bear left in a dumpster.
A dumpster, in fact, is exactly where this young, freewheeling, rich executive daddy’s boy ends up after a tragic turn of events that ruins his life forever. Maybe.
The film starts at the end, with daddy’s boy wearing a mask in a high security prison being interviewed by a shrink and works backwards from there.
Of course, we are dying to know what’s going on.
Not to ruin it, I’ll just say what’s going on is a nightmare world full of drinking, reckless driving, suicide, murder, lost love, cracked friendships, psychosis and twists and turns that leave you exhausted yet enthralled.
Highlight: The psychosis.
Lowlight: The cheesy title which references what daddy’s boy says about a Monet painting or the phenomenal ability for the two main characters to be able to draw like seasoned artists. Their artistic ability is not believable in the least.
Rating (1-10): 623
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
Rental Review: Punch Drunk Love
By Ryn Gargulinski
It’s hard not to love Punch Drunk Love, especially since there’s punching and love involved. Lot’s of it.
Adam Sandler stars as a subtly freakish character who is always clad in an unstylish blue suit for no given reason. People, including his seven sisters, a woman with a British accent who tries to seduce him and his coworkers at the novelty toilet plunger place, keep asking him why. That, and why he has a piano that’s not a piano on his desk.
Sometimes all the questioning just gets to be too much and he has to punch things.
I actually laughed out loud twice during this flick, something I do often but not with movies. Once was the scene where he destroys the bathroom and again when he tells his lover she’s so beautiful he wants to smash her face in with a sledgehammer.
If the movie sounds chaotic, disjointed and silly, it is.
It’s also a heck of a lot of fun.
Highlight: When he destroys the bathroom or when the sex line hick gang start stalking him.
Lowlight: The effective use of music and choppy scenes to portray heightened tension actually gets you tensed up enough that you, too, want to punch through a plate glass doorwall.
Rating (1-10): 333, or the amount of punches it takes to get rid of blue suit tension.
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
It’s hard not to love Punch Drunk Love, especially since there’s punching and love involved. Lot’s of it.
Adam Sandler stars as a subtly freakish character who is always clad in an unstylish blue suit for no given reason. People, including his seven sisters, a woman with a British accent who tries to seduce him and his coworkers at the novelty toilet plunger place, keep asking him why. That, and why he has a piano that’s not a piano on his desk.
Sometimes all the questioning just gets to be too much and he has to punch things.
I actually laughed out loud twice during this flick, something I do often but not with movies. Once was the scene where he destroys the bathroom and again when he tells his lover she’s so beautiful he wants to smash her face in with a sledgehammer.
If the movie sounds chaotic, disjointed and silly, it is.
It’s also a heck of a lot of fun.
Highlight: When he destroys the bathroom or when the sex line hick gang start stalking him.
Lowlight: The effective use of music and choppy scenes to portray heightened tension actually gets you tensed up enough that you, too, want to punch through a plate glass doorwall.
Rating (1-10): 333, or the amount of punches it takes to get rid of blue suit tension.
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Rental Review: Blue Velvet
By Ryn Gargulinski
This film is shackled with a misnomer. Rather than Blue Velvet, it should be entitled Roy G Biv Velvet Roy G Biv Velvet because it’s long and boring enough to go through the full color spectrum at least twice.
While the flick kicks off with an intrigue and promise, complete with a man falling over in an apparent stroke, a close up of beetle bugs and the discovery of a severed ear, things go downhill from there.
While we yawn through the incredibly slow-paced film and wonder what the stroke guy had to do with anything, we are also subjected to an annoying woman with an equally annoying accent who is usually naked, a guy whose face looks like it’s made out of pushed-in cardboard and a plot we really don’t care about because it seems to go nowhere.
We are also left with a drove of unanswered questions, like where is that annoying lady's annoying accent from, where does the stroke man fit into all of this and why are all these women waiting on a guy with a cardboard face?
Highlight: The one gruesome scene in which a dead man is left standing.
Lowlight: The rest.
Rating (1-10): Negative 5,432, or the number of yawns it takes to get through the movie.
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
This film is shackled with a misnomer. Rather than Blue Velvet, it should be entitled Roy G Biv Velvet Roy G Biv Velvet because it’s long and boring enough to go through the full color spectrum at least twice.
While the flick kicks off with an intrigue and promise, complete with a man falling over in an apparent stroke, a close up of beetle bugs and the discovery of a severed ear, things go downhill from there.
While we yawn through the incredibly slow-paced film and wonder what the stroke guy had to do with anything, we are also subjected to an annoying woman with an equally annoying accent who is usually naked, a guy whose face looks like it’s made out of pushed-in cardboard and a plot we really don’t care about because it seems to go nowhere.
We are also left with a drove of unanswered questions, like where is that annoying lady's annoying accent from, where does the stroke man fit into all of this and why are all these women waiting on a guy with a cardboard face?
Highlight: The one gruesome scene in which a dead man is left standing.
Lowlight: The rest.
Rating (1-10): Negative 5,432, or the number of yawns it takes to get through the movie.
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
Rental Review: Pulp Fiction
By Ryn Gargulinski
Fast-paced, kooky, disgusting and violent, this is a wonderful flick.
The brilliant mélange of interconnected tales include a drug lord, a heroin overdose, a boxer turned murderer and other jovial moments such as an armed robbery and a guy who gets his face blown off in the back of a car.
Wheee.
It’s especially interesting to see John Travolta in a dance scene and compare it to the one he filmed 100 years ago as Danny Zuko in Grease.
Highlight: The scene where they clean up the guys's face blown off in the back of the car.
Lowlight: We are left wanting more. But not enough to merit a Part 2 that always ruins everything, like Grease 2 did.
Rating (1-10): 941
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
Fast-paced, kooky, disgusting and violent, this is a wonderful flick.
The brilliant mélange of interconnected tales include a drug lord, a heroin overdose, a boxer turned murderer and other jovial moments such as an armed robbery and a guy who gets his face blown off in the back of a car.
Wheee.
It’s especially interesting to see John Travolta in a dance scene and compare it to the one he filmed 100 years ago as Danny Zuko in Grease.
Highlight: The scene where they clean up the guys's face blown off in the back of the car.
Lowlight: We are left wanting more. But not enough to merit a Part 2 that always ruins everything, like Grease 2 did.
Rating (1-10): 941
This movie was recommended by Val and everyone standing around him Friday night.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Rental Review: The Devil Wears Prada
By Ryn Gargulinski
An amusing story of a good-hearted wanna-be journalist who seeks her fortune in New York City where she takes a magazine job she is neither fit for nor wants and begins to fall prey to Big Apple corruption.
Not an unusual story, at all, but disappointing that her corruption is the high society, plastic façade of the fashion world when there are so many other forms of NYC corruption that beckon.
It’s a beautiful tale nonetheless, save for the annoying boyfriend who always seems to need a shave. His character, however, is offset by the snooty accented receptionist, the good-hearted girl turned Dior diva and the most awesome character of all played by Meryl Streep, the devil herself in Prada.
Highlight: The setting, two of my favorite haunts, NYC and Paris.
Lowlight: Not once do they even go near Coney Island.
Rating (1-10): 597, or the average cost of a pair of Prada
This movie was recommended by someone and I don't remember who but I thank them.
An amusing story of a good-hearted wanna-be journalist who seeks her fortune in New York City where she takes a magazine job she is neither fit for nor wants and begins to fall prey to Big Apple corruption.
Not an unusual story, at all, but disappointing that her corruption is the high society, plastic façade of the fashion world when there are so many other forms of NYC corruption that beckon.
It’s a beautiful tale nonetheless, save for the annoying boyfriend who always seems to need a shave. His character, however, is offset by the snooty accented receptionist, the good-hearted girl turned Dior diva and the most awesome character of all played by Meryl Streep, the devil herself in Prada.
Highlight: The setting, two of my favorite haunts, NYC and Paris.
Lowlight: Not once do they even go near Coney Island.
Rating (1-10): 597, or the average cost of a pair of Prada
This movie was recommended by someone and I don't remember who but I thank them.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Rental Review: The Green Mile
By Ryn Gargulinski
As with any Stephen King story, we get twists, turns, intrigue, blood and plenty of horror. An added bonus is it’s all done on death row.
This flick features a killer who is not a killer and is really a healer who is sent to die on the electric chair. But first he has to contend with having bumblebees fly out of his mouth, an obnoxious fellow death row inmate (who’da thunk?) and a jerkhead prison guard, who happens to be the nephew of the governor and gets away with a lot, including totally botching an electric chair execution that makes the prison reek of singed flesh for five years.
This movie is just plain fun.
And that’s only the tip of the iceberg for this highly-involved, emotionally-spent and entirely captivating film.
Highlight: The mouse in the house.
Lowlight: The jerkhead nephew who you just know is going to smush the mouse in the house.
Rating (1-10): 96
This movie was recommended with love by Mom and Dad.
As with any Stephen King story, we get twists, turns, intrigue, blood and plenty of horror. An added bonus is it’s all done on death row.
This flick features a killer who is not a killer and is really a healer who is sent to die on the electric chair. But first he has to contend with having bumblebees fly out of his mouth, an obnoxious fellow death row inmate (who’da thunk?) and a jerkhead prison guard, who happens to be the nephew of the governor and gets away with a lot, including totally botching an electric chair execution that makes the prison reek of singed flesh for five years.
This movie is just plain fun.
And that’s only the tip of the iceberg for this highly-involved, emotionally-spent and entirely captivating film.
Highlight: The mouse in the house.
Lowlight: The jerkhead nephew who you just know is going to smush the mouse in the house.
Rating (1-10): 96
This movie was recommended with love by Mom and Dad.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Rental Review: May
By Ryn Gargulinski
We hate May. She’s nervous, flimsy, wishy washy and downright annoying.
OK, we have to give her some leeway since she was brought up wearing a “pirate patch” on her eye and had no friends but some creepy doll in a glass box.
Besides, the movie opens with May screaming bloody murder and ripping her eyeball out. So we sit around waiting for her to do something more than yell at her glass-encased doll.
And then she does.
The grotesque, gory and fully stomach-turning finale is not enough to make you turn away from the screen but is more than enough to make up for the boring beginning of the movie.
Highlight: The scene where May brings the doll to a day care full of blind kids and they break open the glass box, crawl around glass shards and dismember the creepy doll.
Lowlight: The long boring stretch of May’s attempted love life.
Rating (1-10): 17.66
This movie was recommended by Richard and Bonnie.
We hate May. She’s nervous, flimsy, wishy washy and downright annoying.
OK, we have to give her some leeway since she was brought up wearing a “pirate patch” on her eye and had no friends but some creepy doll in a glass box.
Besides, the movie opens with May screaming bloody murder and ripping her eyeball out. So we sit around waiting for her to do something more than yell at her glass-encased doll.
And then she does.
The grotesque, gory and fully stomach-turning finale is not enough to make you turn away from the screen but is more than enough to make up for the boring beginning of the movie.
Highlight: The scene where May brings the doll to a day care full of blind kids and they break open the glass box, crawl around glass shards and dismember the creepy doll.
Lowlight: The long boring stretch of May’s attempted love life.
Rating (1-10): 17.66
This movie was recommended by Richard and Bonnie.
Rental Review: Bullet
By Ryn Gargulinski
Excellent depiction of Coney Island, bloody eyeballs, a NYC graffiti artist and the stereotypical Jewish family with a couple of sons gone bad but the characters are annoying as hell.
We get Mickey Rourke with a stupid skull cap who just got out of prison with a massive heroin habit, his older brother who went schizo and thinks every day is Vietnam, a spineless yet talented younger sibling who you feel like slapping silly, an Italian stallion type who denies he is bordering on homosexuality and finds no qualms about driving around in a pink car and a one-eyed drug king who cruises town in his limo and wants to blow everyone away.
Yes, it’s a very fine and dandy mix of folks with a lot of potential but there’s one problem. We don’t like any of them.
Highlight: The bowels of New York backdrop.
Lowlight: The bowels of humanity characters.
Rating (1-10): 3.57
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
Excellent depiction of Coney Island, bloody eyeballs, a NYC graffiti artist and the stereotypical Jewish family with a couple of sons gone bad but the characters are annoying as hell.
We get Mickey Rourke with a stupid skull cap who just got out of prison with a massive heroin habit, his older brother who went schizo and thinks every day is Vietnam, a spineless yet talented younger sibling who you feel like slapping silly, an Italian stallion type who denies he is bordering on homosexuality and finds no qualms about driving around in a pink car and a one-eyed drug king who cruises town in his limo and wants to blow everyone away.
Yes, it’s a very fine and dandy mix of folks with a lot of potential but there’s one problem. We don’t like any of them.
Highlight: The bowels of New York backdrop.
Lowlight: The bowels of humanity characters.
Rating (1-10): 3.57
This movie was recommended by Nathan.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
A to Z Guide to New York City
By Ryn Gargulinski
Specially prepared for Tucsonan Mark Evans who is going to risk his family’s life in the Big Apple
ALPHABET CITY: Visit the once cool, kitschy place as a prime example of what gentrification can do. While some of its charm still exists, the place has been cleaned up so much that you’ll not see the abandoned buildings overrun with tenants (a.k.a. squats), the “tent city” in the park or the drug-induced zombies crawling over empty lot debris. Well, you may on Avenue D, so be wary going that far down. You’ll still get some OK cafes, fruit marts and a fine walk not far from the East River. Since it’s the first place I landed, it’s still dear to my heart, as is TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK, which was the scene of the summer riots of 1988 (of which I got to be a part!).
BROOKLYN BRIDGE: Nothing screams New York power more than taking a trek across the East River on one of the most beautiful bridges in the world. Opened in 1883 with construction claiming 20 lives, you can ask yourself if it was worth it as you gaze from its majesty. Your trek across affords a gorgeous view of the swirling waters below where mobsters dump their dead and children risk their lives for a swim. If you start on the Brooklyn side, you’ll get that glorious view of the NYC skyline approaching like a promise in the distance. If you start on the Manhattan side, you’ll get to look at Brooklyn. Heck, walk it both ways.
CITY HALL: Here you get to gawk at the mayor’s place. Interesting things to note include how early settlers never thought the city would grow beyond lower Manhattan so the back façade of City Hall has no adornment and the giant rats that scurry about City Hall Park after 9 p.m. Please take care as they are very bold and will jump you if you smell like spaghetti sauce.
CONEY ISLAND: I know, you want to ignore those “other boroughs” because the world revolves around Manhattan. However, you will not regret a trek to the former resort of the rich and famous along with a ride on the historic Cyclone which recently celebrated more than 75 years or rickety life. The big thrill of this rollercoaster is the actual threat of plummeting to your death through the timeworn, wooden tracks. Take whatever train goes to Sillwell Avenue these days.
DINERS, RESTAURANTS AND YUMMY EATS: While I may know about Jewish delis, hotdogs and farmers markets, I’m really not the one to ask about food stuff since I am also the one who took my visiting parents to the Chinese restaurant that had hair in the tea.
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING: Go just because people will ask if you went. My dentist was in there and I must admit it was a gorgeous view while I was getting my teeth drilled. Be ready to empty your pockets and sign in blood, however, before entering any kind of landmark thing.
F TRAIN: This line is where I once saw a throng of escaped mental patients and it wasn’t even Halloween. Be sure to spend plenty of time exploring the subways, which offer a haven for homeless, musicians, poets, boring old commuters, tourists like yourselves, more giant rats and many things adamantly amazing. I’ve never seen severed body parts on any of the tracks but I wrote my master’s thesis about them. Some of the most infamous trains include the 1, 2 and 3 lines because of that Pelham movie, the 7 train because it goes to Shea Stadium (even though I prefer the Yankees) and the “A” train because of that jazz song.
GOWANUS CANAL: What was once a cesspool of sludge, crud and dead floating rats has lately gotten a lot of attention. Now it’s a cesspool of sludge, crud and dead rats with clean up efforts. Really, though, this thing has come a long way, baby, and, although it still features floating rats after a rainstorm, it’s also being pocked with more live things than dead. My friend Bill offers canoe rides down the canal and although I’ve yet to go on one, I would highly recommend it.
HOT DOGS: Steer clear of free standing hot dog vendors as a friend of mine once said he saw one of the vendors urinate in the gutter then turn around and serve up a frank. But no matter how run-down, disgusting or seedy those GRAY’S PAPAYA joints appear, you must experience it to get the full flavor of New York. I never did, but I watched that same friend who wouldn’t eat from hot dog vendors eat there. You’ll find GRAY’S speckled on several corners throughout Manhattan with loads of people waiting in line and standing and chowing down. It may even remind of you the Tucson In-N-Out brouhaha but this one happens daily. Yes, they also serve papaya juice. NATHAN’S FAMOUS is another must, not some cheap franchise but the original in Coney Island. If you happen to visit on the Fourth of July, you can even catch their annual hotdog eating contest at noon. Since I used to cover it for a Brooklyn paper, I once had the joy of watching someone puke. He wasn’t disqualified because, judges said, the guy was able to suck the vomit up before it hit the table. Enjoy!
INTERNATIONAL POCKETS: This refers to the various ethnic neighborhoods you should never leave New York City without first getting a taste of. Must sees include Manhattan’s CHINATOWN and LITTLE ITALY; Brooklyn’s Orthodox BOROUGH PARK and Italian-flavored BENSONHURST; SPANISH HARLEM and stereotypical AMERICAN HOUSEWIVES with nothing to do in Long Island.
JEWISH DELIS: Pastrami piled high to the ceiling, corned beef so warm it makes the rye bread melt, pickles to die for. Some of the finest include the infamous CARNEGIE DELI, Seventh Avenue b/w 54th and 55th streets; KATZ at Houston and Ludlow streets and the SECOND AVENUE DELI, Second Avenue and 10th Street, where I once early on unknowingly ordered a ham and cheese omelet then heard forks drop in total shock.
KARIOKE BARS: Have no idea where they are or if they even exist and, frankly, I don’t care. But I needed something with the letter “K.”
LINES: Be ready to wait, shove, push, get shoved and watch people cut in front of you. No matter what you’re waiting for. On the upswing, most cashiers don’t waste time chatting with customers and holding up service as happens in smaller towns, like Tucumcari, N.M.
MUSEUMS: Your trip would be wholly remiss if you didn’t check out at least three of the great horde of museums dotting the city. My top three are the MUSEUM OF MODERN ART (MOMA), complete with a huge, lilied Monet; the METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART (MET), with everything from Medieval armor to those paintings of fat women when they weren’t considered fat and the MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY with its larger than life dinosaur exhibit. But then, everything about dinosaurs is larger than life. Some museums are situated near CENTRAL PARK so you can go to that thing you’ve heard so much about as well. Just don’t jog in it. And don’t go at night.
NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARAY: Do hit the main branch at 42nd Street and spend hours of fun trying to guess the names of the impressive lions that flank either side of the entrance. Don’t, however, ask to check out a book because they’ll get really nasty and tell you this is a research library only not some cheap take-out joint for goodness sake. Other landmarky things you’ll want to at least walk past and snap a photo include GRAND CENTRAL STATION, PORT AUTHORITY, MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, WALL STREET with its giant bull, the CHRYSLER BUILDLING with its giant spire and the coolest, I think, the SWISS CHEESE BUILDING, which is more commonly known as the FLATIRON BUILDING. Visit http://www.greatbuildings.com/ for more info or directions.
ORCHARD STREET: For bargains and haggling galore, take a trek to the Lower East Side’s unique shopping district. Do not try to shop on Friday night or Saturday, however, as 90 percent of the merchants are Jewish and will be observing the Sabbath. One of the stores used to keep a quarter glued to their front steps to see how many people tried to stoop down and pry it off. Make it your mission to obtain that quarter. While there, visit the TENAMENT MUSEUM, to fall in love with your own home all over again.
PHOTOGRAPHY MUSEUM: The MUSEUM paragraph was getting too long to mention it above, but all journalists especially adore the INTERNATIONAL CENTER FOR PHOTOGRAPHY. It features thousands of documentary photos, amazing glimpses of America’s current affairs and, my fave, the Weegee archives.
PEOPLE WATCHING: Do it anywhere, do it often and do it well. Just don’t say anything too loud as people WILL fight back. And don’t forget you, too, are being just as scrutinized. Some tips for not looking like a tourist include: don’t unfold your map and stand open mouthed in the middle of the sidewalk, don’t make it obvious you are looking at the subway map, don’t wear University of Arizona caps or T-shirts that say “I Love NY,” heed the directionals mentioned below.
QUEENS: Avoid it at all costs, except if you must take the 7 train.
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL: You might as well, since you’re there. Try to see those dancing girls if you can (there was a big brouhaha when a black one wanted to join because they said it wouldn’t mix in with all the white legs). I never did get to the dancing girl show but it seems hilarious. I did, however, see a screening of the movie Jaws in the hall, complete with a pre-movie lecture from the creator himself (and one of my heroes) Peter Benchley.
SOUTH STREET SEAPORT: What a fine place to spend a deli lunch, gazing at the boats, the docks, the excellent view of the Brooklyn Bridge. Just avoid it at night unless you found those huge rats so enthralling at City Hall Park.
ST. MARKS PLACE: The equivalent of Eighth Street below Third Avenue, this is another fun shopping excursion as well as a chance to see a wild array of folks who tromp around with nothing better to do than tromp around St. Marks.
STRAND BOOKSTORE: If you’re a fan of Tucson’s infamous Bookman’s, you’re going to go crazy at Strand. Hit the main location on Broadway and you will be enveloped in that dusty, musty smell of used books that promises intrigue and mystery. Their service is also superb. They were the only place, including online dealers, who could find me the classic historical tome Dracula Was a Woman.
TAXI CABS: Take a ride in one just because they cost too much, swerve dangerously through traffic, may hit something or someone and could make for good visuals and usually go slower than you could have walked in the first place.
TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK (see ALBHABET CITY).
UNION SQUARE FARMERS MARKET: Last I knew, this was open W, F, Sat. and featured the apples the size of bowling balls. Get your Mitsu, white beets, 500-grain breads and all kinds of other fresh and tasty stuff you may not have ever sampled or even heard of.
VERAZZANO BRIDGE: You’ll probably miss this as it connects Brooklyn to Staten Island, but you can get a glimpse of it if you make a simple detour out of Coney Island to Bay Ridge. This mighty, gorgeous structure was once the longest suspension bridge in the world until someone built a longer one in Japan. It’s longer than the Golden Gate, was prominently featured in the movie Saturday Night Fever when one of the character plunge off it to his death. The bridge is painted in Battleship Grey.
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK: A fine place for annual poetry readings or just to hang out. Like the rest of New York this was cleaned up a bunch so the drug dealers only come out at night. So they say. Enjoy people watching all the NYU student from places like Idaho who think they’re really better than everyone else since they now attend NYU.
X-RATED STUFF: No, you won’t find it anymore in Times Square after the massive clean up that left a thriving hub of the city looking more like Disneyland. But go to Times Square anyway, just because you always see it on TV every New Year’s. You can also visit the highly-acclaimed MUSEUM OF SEX on 5th Avenue that’s always, for some reason, stirring up some controversy.
YELLOW SNOW: If you visit in the winter, definitely avoid this. If you visit in the summer, do yourself an equal favor by steering clear of all corners, crevices, Dumpsters, dank alleys and the very end of subway platforms which will also have the obvious mark of urine with its bleeding stench.
ZOOS: While you’re in Central Park after visiting some museums, for the heck of it take a peek in the CENTRAL PARK ZOO. You’ll get a laugh because, if I remember correctly, the largest specimen there is a squirrel. They used to house some polar bears but they went insane and swam round and round in their pool scaring the patrons, who realized they were doing the same thing with their lives, swimming aimlessly nowhere, so they zoo people got rid of them. For a real animals, trek to the BRONX ZOO.
THINGS TO AVOID:
Queens
The meat packing district
Falling in the East River
Getting lost in Brooklyn
Pronouncing “Houston Street” like that city in Texas
Statue of Liberty
The hole where the World Trade Center used to be, a.k.a Ground Zero.
HELPFUL HINTS:
New York City directionals: People NEVER say east/west or north/south. East is referred to as “down,” as in going down to the East River and also down in avenue numbers; west is “up,” because you are going up towards the Hudson River and also up in avenue numbers; north, of course, is uptown and south, you got it!, downtown.
Bathroom etiquette: While you walk around the city at one point or another you’ll realize you’ll have to pee. That’s when you’ll realize there’s not a lot in the way of public restrooms. As you’ll be able to tell from the stench of urine that emanates from dank corners, many just do it outside, or it a soda bottle they then throw on the subway tracks. Public pay toilets may still be kicking around in MADISON SQUARE PARK if you are in the midtown area. These things self-disinfect the minute you close the door so they are actually quite tolerable. Other options include going into cafes and ordering coffee or plopping a $5 on the counter of the nearest bar and saying it’s to use the restroom.
Buy a MetroCard.
I’ll add other helpful hints as I think of them or upon request.
Specially prepared for Tucsonan Mark Evans who is going to risk his family’s life in the Big Apple
ALPHABET CITY: Visit the once cool, kitschy place as a prime example of what gentrification can do. While some of its charm still exists, the place has been cleaned up so much that you’ll not see the abandoned buildings overrun with tenants (a.k.a. squats), the “tent city” in the park or the drug-induced zombies crawling over empty lot debris. Well, you may on Avenue D, so be wary going that far down. You’ll still get some OK cafes, fruit marts and a fine walk not far from the East River. Since it’s the first place I landed, it’s still dear to my heart, as is TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK, which was the scene of the summer riots of 1988 (of which I got to be a part!).
BROOKLYN BRIDGE: Nothing screams New York power more than taking a trek across the East River on one of the most beautiful bridges in the world. Opened in 1883 with construction claiming 20 lives, you can ask yourself if it was worth it as you gaze from its majesty. Your trek across affords a gorgeous view of the swirling waters below where mobsters dump their dead and children risk their lives for a swim. If you start on the Brooklyn side, you’ll get that glorious view of the NYC skyline approaching like a promise in the distance. If you start on the Manhattan side, you’ll get to look at Brooklyn. Heck, walk it both ways.
CITY HALL: Here you get to gawk at the mayor’s place. Interesting things to note include how early settlers never thought the city would grow beyond lower Manhattan so the back façade of City Hall has no adornment and the giant rats that scurry about City Hall Park after 9 p.m. Please take care as they are very bold and will jump you if you smell like spaghetti sauce.
CONEY ISLAND: I know, you want to ignore those “other boroughs” because the world revolves around Manhattan. However, you will not regret a trek to the former resort of the rich and famous along with a ride on the historic Cyclone which recently celebrated more than 75 years or rickety life. The big thrill of this rollercoaster is the actual threat of plummeting to your death through the timeworn, wooden tracks. Take whatever train goes to Sillwell Avenue these days.
DINERS, RESTAURANTS AND YUMMY EATS: While I may know about Jewish delis, hotdogs and farmers markets, I’m really not the one to ask about food stuff since I am also the one who took my visiting parents to the Chinese restaurant that had hair in the tea.
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING: Go just because people will ask if you went. My dentist was in there and I must admit it was a gorgeous view while I was getting my teeth drilled. Be ready to empty your pockets and sign in blood, however, before entering any kind of landmark thing.
F TRAIN: This line is where I once saw a throng of escaped mental patients and it wasn’t even Halloween. Be sure to spend plenty of time exploring the subways, which offer a haven for homeless, musicians, poets, boring old commuters, tourists like yourselves, more giant rats and many things adamantly amazing. I’ve never seen severed body parts on any of the tracks but I wrote my master’s thesis about them. Some of the most infamous trains include the 1, 2 and 3 lines because of that Pelham movie, the 7 train because it goes to Shea Stadium (even though I prefer the Yankees) and the “A” train because of that jazz song.
GOWANUS CANAL: What was once a cesspool of sludge, crud and dead floating rats has lately gotten a lot of attention. Now it’s a cesspool of sludge, crud and dead rats with clean up efforts. Really, though, this thing has come a long way, baby, and, although it still features floating rats after a rainstorm, it’s also being pocked with more live things than dead. My friend Bill offers canoe rides down the canal and although I’ve yet to go on one, I would highly recommend it.
HOT DOGS: Steer clear of free standing hot dog vendors as a friend of mine once said he saw one of the vendors urinate in the gutter then turn around and serve up a frank. But no matter how run-down, disgusting or seedy those GRAY’S PAPAYA joints appear, you must experience it to get the full flavor of New York. I never did, but I watched that same friend who wouldn’t eat from hot dog vendors eat there. You’ll find GRAY’S speckled on several corners throughout Manhattan with loads of people waiting in line and standing and chowing down. It may even remind of you the Tucson In-N-Out brouhaha but this one happens daily. Yes, they also serve papaya juice. NATHAN’S FAMOUS is another must, not some cheap franchise but the original in Coney Island. If you happen to visit on the Fourth of July, you can even catch their annual hotdog eating contest at noon. Since I used to cover it for a Brooklyn paper, I once had the joy of watching someone puke. He wasn’t disqualified because, judges said, the guy was able to suck the vomit up before it hit the table. Enjoy!
INTERNATIONAL POCKETS: This refers to the various ethnic neighborhoods you should never leave New York City without first getting a taste of. Must sees include Manhattan’s CHINATOWN and LITTLE ITALY; Brooklyn’s Orthodox BOROUGH PARK and Italian-flavored BENSONHURST; SPANISH HARLEM and stereotypical AMERICAN HOUSEWIVES with nothing to do in Long Island.
JEWISH DELIS: Pastrami piled high to the ceiling, corned beef so warm it makes the rye bread melt, pickles to die for. Some of the finest include the infamous CARNEGIE DELI, Seventh Avenue b/w 54th and 55th streets; KATZ at Houston and Ludlow streets and the SECOND AVENUE DELI, Second Avenue and 10th Street, where I once early on unknowingly ordered a ham and cheese omelet then heard forks drop in total shock.
KARIOKE BARS: Have no idea where they are or if they even exist and, frankly, I don’t care. But I needed something with the letter “K.”
LINES: Be ready to wait, shove, push, get shoved and watch people cut in front of you. No matter what you’re waiting for. On the upswing, most cashiers don’t waste time chatting with customers and holding up service as happens in smaller towns, like Tucumcari, N.M.
MUSEUMS: Your trip would be wholly remiss if you didn’t check out at least three of the great horde of museums dotting the city. My top three are the MUSEUM OF MODERN ART (MOMA), complete with a huge, lilied Monet; the METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART (MET), with everything from Medieval armor to those paintings of fat women when they weren’t considered fat and the MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY with its larger than life dinosaur exhibit. But then, everything about dinosaurs is larger than life. Some museums are situated near CENTRAL PARK so you can go to that thing you’ve heard so much about as well. Just don’t jog in it. And don’t go at night.
NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARAY: Do hit the main branch at 42nd Street and spend hours of fun trying to guess the names of the impressive lions that flank either side of the entrance. Don’t, however, ask to check out a book because they’ll get really nasty and tell you this is a research library only not some cheap take-out joint for goodness sake. Other landmarky things you’ll want to at least walk past and snap a photo include GRAND CENTRAL STATION, PORT AUTHORITY, MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, WALL STREET with its giant bull, the CHRYSLER BUILDLING with its giant spire and the coolest, I think, the SWISS CHEESE BUILDING, which is more commonly known as the FLATIRON BUILDING. Visit http://www.greatbuildings.com/ for more info or directions.
ORCHARD STREET: For bargains and haggling galore, take a trek to the Lower East Side’s unique shopping district. Do not try to shop on Friday night or Saturday, however, as 90 percent of the merchants are Jewish and will be observing the Sabbath. One of the stores used to keep a quarter glued to their front steps to see how many people tried to stoop down and pry it off. Make it your mission to obtain that quarter. While there, visit the TENAMENT MUSEUM, to fall in love with your own home all over again.
PHOTOGRAPHY MUSEUM: The MUSEUM paragraph was getting too long to mention it above, but all journalists especially adore the INTERNATIONAL CENTER FOR PHOTOGRAPHY. It features thousands of documentary photos, amazing glimpses of America’s current affairs and, my fave, the Weegee archives.
PEOPLE WATCHING: Do it anywhere, do it often and do it well. Just don’t say anything too loud as people WILL fight back. And don’t forget you, too, are being just as scrutinized. Some tips for not looking like a tourist include: don’t unfold your map and stand open mouthed in the middle of the sidewalk, don’t make it obvious you are looking at the subway map, don’t wear University of Arizona caps or T-shirts that say “I Love NY,” heed the directionals mentioned below.
QUEENS: Avoid it at all costs, except if you must take the 7 train.
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL: You might as well, since you’re there. Try to see those dancing girls if you can (there was a big brouhaha when a black one wanted to join because they said it wouldn’t mix in with all the white legs). I never did get to the dancing girl show but it seems hilarious. I did, however, see a screening of the movie Jaws in the hall, complete with a pre-movie lecture from the creator himself (and one of my heroes) Peter Benchley.
SOUTH STREET SEAPORT: What a fine place to spend a deli lunch, gazing at the boats, the docks, the excellent view of the Brooklyn Bridge. Just avoid it at night unless you found those huge rats so enthralling at City Hall Park.
ST. MARKS PLACE: The equivalent of Eighth Street below Third Avenue, this is another fun shopping excursion as well as a chance to see a wild array of folks who tromp around with nothing better to do than tromp around St. Marks.
STRAND BOOKSTORE: If you’re a fan of Tucson’s infamous Bookman’s, you’re going to go crazy at Strand. Hit the main location on Broadway and you will be enveloped in that dusty, musty smell of used books that promises intrigue and mystery. Their service is also superb. They were the only place, including online dealers, who could find me the classic historical tome Dracula Was a Woman.
TAXI CABS: Take a ride in one just because they cost too much, swerve dangerously through traffic, may hit something or someone and could make for good visuals and usually go slower than you could have walked in the first place.
TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK (see ALBHABET CITY).
UNION SQUARE FARMERS MARKET: Last I knew, this was open W, F, Sat. and featured the apples the size of bowling balls. Get your Mitsu, white beets, 500-grain breads and all kinds of other fresh and tasty stuff you may not have ever sampled or even heard of.
VERAZZANO BRIDGE: You’ll probably miss this as it connects Brooklyn to Staten Island, but you can get a glimpse of it if you make a simple detour out of Coney Island to Bay Ridge. This mighty, gorgeous structure was once the longest suspension bridge in the world until someone built a longer one in Japan. It’s longer than the Golden Gate, was prominently featured in the movie Saturday Night Fever when one of the character plunge off it to his death. The bridge is painted in Battleship Grey.
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK: A fine place for annual poetry readings or just to hang out. Like the rest of New York this was cleaned up a bunch so the drug dealers only come out at night. So they say. Enjoy people watching all the NYU student from places like Idaho who think they’re really better than everyone else since they now attend NYU.
X-RATED STUFF: No, you won’t find it anymore in Times Square after the massive clean up that left a thriving hub of the city looking more like Disneyland. But go to Times Square anyway, just because you always see it on TV every New Year’s. You can also visit the highly-acclaimed MUSEUM OF SEX on 5th Avenue that’s always, for some reason, stirring up some controversy.
YELLOW SNOW: If you visit in the winter, definitely avoid this. If you visit in the summer, do yourself an equal favor by steering clear of all corners, crevices, Dumpsters, dank alleys and the very end of subway platforms which will also have the obvious mark of urine with its bleeding stench.
ZOOS: While you’re in Central Park after visiting some museums, for the heck of it take a peek in the CENTRAL PARK ZOO. You’ll get a laugh because, if I remember correctly, the largest specimen there is a squirrel. They used to house some polar bears but they went insane and swam round and round in their pool scaring the patrons, who realized they were doing the same thing with their lives, swimming aimlessly nowhere, so they zoo people got rid of them. For a real animals, trek to the BRONX ZOO.
THINGS TO AVOID:
Queens
The meat packing district
Falling in the East River
Getting lost in Brooklyn
Pronouncing “Houston Street” like that city in Texas
Statue of Liberty
The hole where the World Trade Center used to be, a.k.a Ground Zero.
HELPFUL HINTS:
New York City directionals: People NEVER say east/west or north/south. East is referred to as “down,” as in going down to the East River and also down in avenue numbers; west is “up,” because you are going up towards the Hudson River and also up in avenue numbers; north, of course, is uptown and south, you got it!, downtown.
Bathroom etiquette: While you walk around the city at one point or another you’ll realize you’ll have to pee. That’s when you’ll realize there’s not a lot in the way of public restrooms. As you’ll be able to tell from the stench of urine that emanates from dank corners, many just do it outside, or it a soda bottle they then throw on the subway tracks. Public pay toilets may still be kicking around in MADISON SQUARE PARK if you are in the midtown area. These things self-disinfect the minute you close the door so they are actually quite tolerable. Other options include going into cafes and ordering coffee or plopping a $5 on the counter of the nearest bar and saying it’s to use the restroom.
Buy a MetroCard.
I’ll add other helpful hints as I think of them or upon request.
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